De-Conversion (or Realization)

I never hated god.

I simply went from believing, and thus loving god, to not believing.

I can't recall the first time I referred to myself as an atheist, or a specific moment in which I thought, "hey, I don't believe in god!" There was no moment of clarity I can recall, no orchestra reaching full crescendo, no birds singing... none of that.

I can, however, remember the first time I told my mother I was no longer a believer. "You'll be back," she said, implying, rather bluntly, that I would get over my current "mindset" and rejoin the jewish faith I was raised in. So far, no dice.

College, as those who went may know, is a time for self discovery -- for growth as a person. If you go away to school, it is usually the first time you live sans parents. It's a time for self discovery... and self evaluation. For me, college, if nothing else, was a much needed spring cleaning.

Although I can't remember the moment I realized that I don't believe in a god, I remember quite well the moment I started questioning my beliefs.

I stumbled across a website (which I can't seem to find anymore, sadly) which explained the evolution of monotheistic religions. It showed how a group of people, now known as the Hebrews, stemmed off of the mesopotamian polytheistic religions, and instead of worshiping all of the gods of the Canaanites, chose one, El as supreme ruler. El, also called Elohim or Yahweh, is the god the Jews.

Early Judaism wasn't truly monotheistic... it simply worshiped one god above all others. I had already known this, having had an extensive jewish theological education... but the thought of "well, why did we stop believing in the existence of these other gods, like ba'al?" simply didn't bother me at the time... there was one god... the god who led us out of Egypt to be our god... he said so himself.

The thought bothered me now...

So what happened to these other gods?

The wheels where turning.

I picked up my Tanakh and started reading. This wasn't the first time I had read the bible (and I always, to this day, finish off with the New Testiment)... at this point in my life I had read it cover to cover about three times (three times more than the majority of "believers", and I still read it regularly)... but I had never read it with a questioning, doubting mind before.

What I found inside the book, reading with new eyes, was awful... quite horrible, immoral accounts of a maniacal deity, playing wretched games with the species he claimed to love most. I could no longer make excuses all of a sudden. This god sets up mankind for its own downfall, praises a man for being willing to kill his own son, condones rape, murder, torture... I could no longer excuse this type of behavior. All of a sudden I saw the god I worshiped and praised for for what he was -- a sick, amoral, jealous, cruel... unbelievable being.

So... I didn't believe in Yahweh... well... what kind of god do I believe in?

So, I started trying on hats.

At first I considered myself a deist... but having come from a monotheistic background, that just felt empty... I needed more, for whatever reason. I needed purpose and reason... why? Because I was told for so lone that I did, that's why.

I started drinking a lot of green tea and decided I was a buddhist. I meditated a few times. I referred to myself as "spiritual". I admired the green in the leaves of trees... but something seemed wrong in all of this, although I didn't yet know what.

Pantheism lasted about a day or two. The universe is god... wait... what? The universe is the universe. Why give it a different name?

I changed colleges and went home to Brooklyn. About that time I started reading books by Daniel Quinn, a self proclaimed New Tribalist and Animist. I liked his books... they made me feel like I knew something that everyone else didn't know. He said that the world would end if we kept going the way we did... he said that we, as humans we were inter connected with all other living things in the world.

But something started to bother me with this as well... proof. On what basis did he make these claims? His numbers and figures kept changing, even through the course of a single book. He was against a ton of opposition... did people not believe him because he was dangerous... or because he couldn't back his ascertains?

For the first time in my life, unbeknownst to me, I was thinking critically and skeptically.

I started thinking about the importance of evidence to claims. I started to realize that what was truly important to me was truth... was understanding the world as it is, not as how I would want it to be.

I looked around for the first time and saw the world as it actually is. At that moment, god seised to be. Death became a true ending. Love, hate, pain... naturalistically explainable emotions. And I felt GREAT.

Never before had I felt more liberated. There was no tyrant parent in the sky watching or judging me... morality was something for me to own and be accountable for... ghosts and monsters and other scary things that lurk in the dark died. I was now fully credited with the music I make, god was no longer co-composer... all of my achievements were my own... and I didn't believe in something simply because it felt good (even though it did), but because my beliefs were now fully accountable for. Just look around, live your life as it is, without adding useless things to it, and you'll understand exactly what I believe... and it is truly, in the (dare I say), biblical sense of the word, awesome.

I have since talked to my mother about my beliefs. "Do you still consider yourself jewish?" she asked.

"Well, yes, in a cultural sense," i replied, adding, sarcastically, "and I still love chopped liver."

That was enough for her.

Why I'm an Atheist... and why I'm a Musician (a teaser)

I was raised in a family in which the two most common topics of "discussion" were religion and music, so, I would assume, after this blog, it will be easy for you to understand why these two topics, in my mind, interweave, and I find them quite easy to consider within the same breath.

A little on my family:

My parents were both avid music appreciators (not quite "musicians", though). They both were deeply religious in a moderate sense (not quite "fanatical", though). My mother thinks the greatest rock album of all time is "Dark Side of the Moon" by Pink Floyd. My Father thinks the greatest album is "Quadrophenia" by the Who. My mother is Jewish and attended Yeshivah. My father is Roman Catholic and went to Catholic school. Within my family, the other more religious individual is my uncle... he's a born-again Christian and likes Yes and Cream.

My name is Zach... I'm an Atheist, a Secular Humanist, and my favorite musicians of all time are Stevie Wonder and Miles Davis.

I was raised Jewish. I attended my temple, on average, 3-5 times a week. Religion was a central point of my up-bringing. We had a Christmas tree every winter. Dyed eggs every Easter. I was the president of my junior youth group, starting at the age of eleven, of my temple for two years. My father came home with a dirty head every Ash Wednesday. We ate fish on fridays. We lit Shabbat candles. My mother leaned left politically. We said lots of different prayers. I asked my parents, when I was six, for a saxophone. I was the president of my temple's youth group, starting at the age of thirteen, for four years. There were "Stars of David" everywhere. We all agreed Muslims were evil, and that Israel belongs to the Jews. At the age of seven. my parents bought me a guitar and told me to learn how to play like Clapton. We got a dog on Passover (we didn't eat leavened bread at this time of year) -- we named the dog Matzoh. My father leaned right politically. We watched Pink Floyd synced to the Wizard of Oz. On Rosh Hashanah, we ate apples and honey. Crucifixes were everywhere. When I was fifteen I was looking into rabbinic school. My uncle told me the Jews need to return to Israel, and, if some of us chose to except Jesus, we could go to heaven, with Jesus, too. We thought the Arabs needed to leave the holy land. Jerry Garcia's death meant Ben & Jerry's ice cream and tie-die. I learned to "doven", like the Orthodox. I met my first girlfriend at a Jewish Camp (I wonder what happened to her). I was baptized as a baby... as well as circumcised. We all liked the Clash.

I learned to think for myself.

I went away to college in Boston, and for some reason (I'll get into all of that later I'm sure) I started to evaluate everything I believed, everything I was brought up to think. Religion, music -- everything.

I'm sure in some post in the future, I'll explain my "exact" path to being a non-believer, and I'm sure I'll go on and on about being an Atheistic Musician, but the point of this post... well, I'm not sure what the point of any of this is... and that's okay, for now.

Right now, I work as a salesman in a Wine and Spirits shop. I play bass in a Soul/Funk group. I also play guitar and drums. I'm an Atheist and a Secular Humanist. I never became Clapton. I never became a Rabbi. I am who I am... and who I am is a skeptical, rational, naturalistic, pro-thomas-jefferson, musician.

Thanks for reading... a lot more's to come.